Jenny, this paper lacks focus.
Uh...teacher...do you understand the irony here?
What?
My paper is about ADHD.
Insert obligatory laughter. True story.
But seriously, it's not really a laughing matter when you're all across the board. It's great to have lots of interests. But hone one, damn it!
I've been reading about, and considering, trying to become a more serious blogger instead of just my daily accomplishments and my travel/teaching adventure/whining. So what's my problem?
1) Lack of focus
2) I don't know if I WANT that much attention and scores of people scrutinizing my work. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still working on me.
3) Some of the things I feel most compelled to write about, I'm not sure I should write about. For a lot of reasons, and as such, I feel more compelled to funnel them into fiction. But that's all a farce, I'm stalling.
Now, you, like many other people can say:
1) DO IT NOW! There's no time like the present.
2) You're always working on you, that's part of being a blogger, and life.
3) Maybe, you don't need to do it.
To which I say:
1) You can't do everything NOW. (Lack focus)
2) Yes, you're always working on you, but, that takes precedence to putting yourself out on a limb to possible criticism (no, this isn't a strong argument and shows low self-esteem, I know). If you're at a particularly vulnerable spot, as I am, perhaps it's just fine to stay back and continue licking your wounds for awhile before rushing back into battle, so to speak.
3) Maybe I don't need to do it, that's true. But I need to do something and I'm working on figuring that out.
I'm realizing daily more things I don't want to do, from the ridiculously insane to the simple, oh, duh, that's not for me.
There are several quotes that just stick with me like a bad rash. Well, I'll only include the positives, so perhaps not the best analogy.
In no particular order:
"You need to work yourself out first."
"You're not as angry as you think you are."
"Are you sure you don't just want to be an artist?"
Sometimes, a quote bores into your skull just as hard as that incessant pop song that invades your synapses for weeks and months on end. Except, a properly executed observation sticks for years.
Are you sure you don't just want to be an artist?
As annoyed as I was with this observation at the time, it was only because of the truth of it, and how it was a direct assault on my carefully crafted blinders, self-made delusions and controlling outside influences. It was a chink in my carefully crafted survival bubble, which was bound to burst eventually any way. And burst it did.
I've dragged my feet and made my life far more difficult than necessary maintaining my denial. I still do it. But I've at least admitted to the necessity of chipping down my own mental fallacies. Even when that means another concession to my irrational tendencies while I work them out at my own pace.
I still don't have the confidence I need to broach the issues I truly want to approach. I don't yet have the self-confidence to face up to the critics. I don't know if what I've got to say is ready to add to the dialogue.
But all in all, it's just another brick in the wall. I think I just sank to middle school low with that reference. See? See? There I go, tearing myself down instead of my wall.
Now may be the best time to do something, but, for everything there is a season. And I've got some other things to attend to NOW.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Lately
Organized and uploaded many, many photo albums to share website.
I think I need to be less of a photo glutton, take lots of shots, but, pick the best shot of each subject and jettison the rest. Started to use this purge method a little with latest vacation photos. Some albums I kept the ridiculous lot.
Learned how to adjust exposure levels of RAW photo files in iPhoto.
Decided to save money for underwater camera gear, nicer point and shoot to take underwater, shoot in RAW. Try scuba diving first.
Laundry.
Unpacking new kitchen gear, organizing.
Started online graduate class. Outsmarted online textbook software. With help of 8+ calls to tech support. D'oh.
Actually read 2 full chapters of a textbook and took notes. Maybe I'm finally learning how to study? Who is this person and what happened to ME?
Lots of reading on the internet.
Finished a book on kindle.
Woot, go me!
I think I need to be less of a photo glutton, take lots of shots, but, pick the best shot of each subject and jettison the rest. Started to use this purge method a little with latest vacation photos. Some albums I kept the ridiculous lot.
Learned how to adjust exposure levels of RAW photo files in iPhoto.
Decided to save money for underwater camera gear, nicer point and shoot to take underwater, shoot in RAW. Try scuba diving first.
Laundry.
Unpacking new kitchen gear, organizing.
Started online graduate class. Outsmarted online textbook software. With help of 8+ calls to tech support. D'oh.
Actually read 2 full chapters of a textbook and took notes. Maybe I'm finally learning how to study? Who is this person and what happened to ME?
Lots of reading on the internet.
Finished a book on kindle.
Woot, go me!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Let's just Journal
Today I've uploaded a lot of my photography to my shutterfly website. This is a project that has been weighing on me, as is organizing and archiving my photos in general so I'm quite proud of my progress.
I realize this is one more manifestation of my slight (ok maybe more than slight) OCD tendencies, but, I feel it is actually a productive one. I just need to learn to purge bad photographs more in the process, I'm quite the photo glutton. But we'll get there. I still find the digital clutter preferable to the physical stuff.
I've actually managed to cook in my no kitchen apartment!
I'm a lot calmer at my place of employment these days, for the most part.
I'm reading up on ways to regulate my diet/blood sugar to help stabilize my mood and hopefully improve my concentration. It's a lifelong battle, to concentrate well, decrease stress and anxiety and eliminate prolonged depression. But I'm taking steps forward.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I don't have a life plan mapped out. I don't have a bucket list that I care to publish to keep myself on track. I find the idea of a published list to hold me accountable anxiety inducing. I feel like, as long as I'm doing cool stuff that is on my own, unpublished bucket list, either on my own computer or just in my mind, we're doing alright. No need to set such great heights if it will cause stress. Just keep climbing and you'll hit them if you're headed that way.
And besides, I have quite a lot of projects going. So many in fact, that I should simplify and pare them down so I can complete some instead of starting many and leaving them unfinished.
So, here is to (in the very near future) finishing the upload of all of my Thailand pictures so far. We'll get there, and beyond.
I realize this is one more manifestation of my slight (ok maybe more than slight) OCD tendencies, but, I feel it is actually a productive one. I just need to learn to purge bad photographs more in the process, I'm quite the photo glutton. But we'll get there. I still find the digital clutter preferable to the physical stuff.
I've actually managed to cook in my no kitchen apartment!
I'm a lot calmer at my place of employment these days, for the most part.
I'm reading up on ways to regulate my diet/blood sugar to help stabilize my mood and hopefully improve my concentration. It's a lifelong battle, to concentrate well, decrease stress and anxiety and eliminate prolonged depression. But I'm taking steps forward.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I don't have a life plan mapped out. I don't have a bucket list that I care to publish to keep myself on track. I find the idea of a published list to hold me accountable anxiety inducing. I feel like, as long as I'm doing cool stuff that is on my own, unpublished bucket list, either on my own computer or just in my mind, we're doing alright. No need to set such great heights if it will cause stress. Just keep climbing and you'll hit them if you're headed that way.
And besides, I have quite a lot of projects going. So many in fact, that I should simplify and pare them down so I can complete some instead of starting many and leaving them unfinished.
So, here is to (in the very near future) finishing the upload of all of my Thailand pictures so far. We'll get there, and beyond.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Travel and Updates
Lately, I have:
• Traveled Internationally Carry-on only. Yay!
• Went to my third country in Asia so far.
• Come to more personal realizations than I care to try and count or list.
• Begun confronting the detritus of my childhood bedroom, with the end goal of emptying the room in less than two weeks.
• Finished a book. Finally.
• Traveled across the Pacific to North America, literally on plastic and a prayer after travel arrangements were lost. “You’re not in the computer.” Made it.
• Slow progress on the running project, but progress. Found a Marathon/Half-Marathon I could run in November.
• Realized I need to do more to address my ADD than spend over a decade ignoring and denying it, and there are other methods besides medication to look into.
It’s been over a month since I updated this. I've been traveling a lot. I made no promises, but its usefulness depends on some form of update.
• Traveled Internationally Carry-on only. Yay!
• Went to my third country in Asia so far.
• Come to more personal realizations than I care to try and count or list.
• Begun confronting the detritus of my childhood bedroom, with the end goal of emptying the room in less than two weeks.
• Finished a book. Finally.
• Traveled across the Pacific to North America, literally on plastic and a prayer after travel arrangements were lost. “You’re not in the computer.” Made it.
• Slow progress on the running project, but progress. Found a Marathon/Half-Marathon I could run in November.
• Realized I need to do more to address my ADD than spend over a decade ignoring and denying it, and there are other methods besides medication to look into.
It’s been over a month since I updated this. I've been traveling a lot. I made no promises, but its usefulness depends on some form of update.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Playing Catchup
So, my first fall from posting daily. However, I am not deterred, and that was never part of the deal any way. So despite going back to haphazard, here are some things I've accomplished since last posting:
• Began learning to drive a motorbike, going from parking lot to highway in one day.
• Volunteered, briefly, at an Orphange on the Thai/Burma border.
• Celebrated my first Songkran.
• Decided I am brave enough to travel alone, sometime in the next five years, for a really big trip. Likely smaller trips in the much more imminent future.
• Ate jellyfish, I think again, but just to be sure.
• Downloaded a self-help ebook instead of responding to a negative email.
• Read several chapters of that book already.
• Attended first rehearsal for another charity monologue event.
• Resisted the urge to post several articles, songs, and or vindictive statements to the internet; in some ways to tone down my general internet presence if nothing else.
• laundry
And as always, the wheels (of my mind) are turning. Full speed ahead!
• Began learning to drive a motorbike, going from parking lot to highway in one day.
• Volunteered, briefly, at an Orphange on the Thai/Burma border.
• Celebrated my first Songkran.
• Decided I am brave enough to travel alone, sometime in the next five years, for a really big trip. Likely smaller trips in the much more imminent future.
• Ate jellyfish, I think again, but just to be sure.
• Downloaded a self-help ebook instead of responding to a negative email.
• Read several chapters of that book already.
• Attended first rehearsal for another charity monologue event.
• Resisted the urge to post several articles, songs, and or vindictive statements to the internet; in some ways to tone down my general internet presence if nothing else.
• laundry
And as always, the wheels (of my mind) are turning. Full speed ahead!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
15 - Sunday, Monday
Sunday
1. Attended a Martial Arts club practice in the park for about three hours.
2. Saw a 6-foot long monitor lizard in the park.
3. Discovered, or was shown, two more coffee shops I can haunt to read, journal and so forth near my apartment.
4. Finally finished another chapter in the book I’ve been having so much trouble finishing.
5. Laundry.
6. Over 7km treadmill, 65 minutes.
7. Jazz café and taxi trip of randomness.
Monday
1. Tried to register for distance learning classes. Emailed registrar to rectify problem in doing so.
2. Actually did work at work.
3. Read about:
• Artist and activist Ai Weiwei, who has just been detained by the Chinese Government again.
• Operation Aurora, the name of the 2009-2010 Chinese computer hacking fiasco.
• Feng Zhenghu – The ‘Tom Hanks,’ from the movie The Terminal, of Tokyo Narita airport - drawing attention to authorities refusing his re-admittance to China.
4. Walked home from work instead of riding the bus.
5. Went to the gym with a friend! Over 5km on Treadmill.
6. Tried new restaurant with friend.
7. Successfully registered for 6 graduate credit hours, summer and fall.
8. Emailed one of the professors of said courses.
1. Attended a Martial Arts club practice in the park for about three hours.
2. Saw a 6-foot long monitor lizard in the park.
3. Discovered, or was shown, two more coffee shops I can haunt to read, journal and so forth near my apartment.
4. Finally finished another chapter in the book I’ve been having so much trouble finishing.
5. Laundry.
6. Over 7km treadmill, 65 minutes.
7. Jazz café and taxi trip of randomness.
Monday
1. Tried to register for distance learning classes. Emailed registrar to rectify problem in doing so.
2. Actually did work at work.
3. Read about:
• Artist and activist Ai Weiwei, who has just been detained by the Chinese Government again.
• Operation Aurora, the name of the 2009-2010 Chinese computer hacking fiasco.
• Feng Zhenghu – The ‘Tom Hanks,’ from the movie The Terminal, of Tokyo Narita airport - drawing attention to authorities refusing his re-admittance to China.
4. Walked home from work instead of riding the bus.
5. Went to the gym with a friend! Over 5km on Treadmill.
6. Tried new restaurant with friend.
7. Successfully registered for 6 graduate credit hours, summer and fall.
8. Emailed one of the professors of said courses.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
13 - Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Thursday
1. Two more things to the tailor; dropped off and picked up in the same day.
2. Went to a coffee shop, read over 20 pages of a novel and journaled.
3. Dinner with a friend that is off to the next adventure, who showed me a new restaurant to add to my favorites list.
4. Positive conversation about life, moving forward and everything over dinner.
Friday
1. Maintained appearances at work, even did some work!
2. Took care of some emails.
3. Tried another restaurant between work and home.
4. Relaxed.
Saturday
1. Good correspondence with friends.
2. Cooked breakfast with newly acquired hot plate.
3. Met a friendly fellow foreigner, shared conversation and music.
4. Wandered the bar district in a non-panicked, I'm not so new here any more, exploratory state of mind.
5. Resolved not to answer my cell phone during meals.
1. Two more things to the tailor; dropped off and picked up in the same day.
2. Went to a coffee shop, read over 20 pages of a novel and journaled.
3. Dinner with a friend that is off to the next adventure, who showed me a new restaurant to add to my favorites list.
4. Positive conversation about life, moving forward and everything over dinner.
Friday
1. Maintained appearances at work, even did some work!
2. Took care of some emails.
3. Tried another restaurant between work and home.
4. Relaxed.
Saturday
1. Good correspondence with friends.
2. Cooked breakfast with newly acquired hot plate.
3. Met a friendly fellow foreigner, shared conversation and music.
4. Wandered the bar district in a non-panicked, I'm not so new here any more, exploratory state of mind.
5. Resolved not to answer my cell phone during meals.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
7 - Tuesday, Wednesday
Tuesday
1. Took five more articles of clothing to the tailor.
2. Made it home before passing out for about 17 hours straight.
Wednesday
1. Got out of bed.
2. Cooked myself scrambled eggs, made toast. Ate all of it. Kept it down.
3. Picked up the five articles of clothing from the tailor.
4. Two loads of laundry.
5. Frivolously took information off of facebook/changed the privacy settings on some photo albums, as if that somehow matters. Pertinently, took down the notes from the painful period of 2007-2008. Relief.
1. Took five more articles of clothing to the tailor.
2. Made it home before passing out for about 17 hours straight.
Wednesday
1. Got out of bed.
2. Cooked myself scrambled eggs, made toast. Ate all of it. Kept it down.
3. Picked up the five articles of clothing from the tailor.
4. Two loads of laundry.
5. Frivolously took information off of facebook/changed the privacy settings on some photo albums, as if that somehow matters. Pertinently, took down the notes from the painful period of 2007-2008. Relief.
Monday, March 28, 2011
6 - Monday
1. Actually did some work at work today: now 50% done with the only work-related project I currently have to work on.
2. Got a pair of jeans hemmed and my favorite shoulder bag mended.
3. Obtained trumpet valve oil in the fifth or sixth attempt to locate the stuff.
4. Spent some time simply wandering in my new city and taking it in.
5. Used enough Thai phrases to be complimented more than once today.
6. Prepared five more articles of clothing for the tailor to alter, my clothes will actually fit!
2. Got a pair of jeans hemmed and my favorite shoulder bag mended.
3. Obtained trumpet valve oil in the fifth or sixth attempt to locate the stuff.
4. Spent some time simply wandering in my new city and taking it in.
5. Used enough Thai phrases to be complimented more than once today.
6. Prepared five more articles of clothing for the tailor to alter, my clothes will actually fit!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
9 - Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Friday
1. Listened to My Back Pages - Bob Dylan, and read the lyrics along with the song, for the first time that I can recall. Listened to more Bob Dylan for my classical music re-education.
2. Actually went out with friends on a Friday night.
Saturday
1. Volunteered morning and afternoon for the last Saturday of volunteering for this particular program.
2. Attended my first church service in my new city, tried it out at least.
3. Ate Isaan style Thai food (spicy), and did not get sick.
4. Realized I’ve gotten the hang of riding the Sky Train.
Sunday
1. Ran 9k on the streets of Bangkok, non-stop, in exactly one hour as part of an organized race.
2. Helped a friend move, acquired furniture – reuse!
3. Read the Wikipedia article about Geraldine Ferraro.
1. Listened to My Back Pages - Bob Dylan, and read the lyrics along with the song, for the first time that I can recall. Listened to more Bob Dylan for my classical music re-education.
2. Actually went out with friends on a Friday night.
Saturday
1. Volunteered morning and afternoon for the last Saturday of volunteering for this particular program.
2. Attended my first church service in my new city, tried it out at least.
3. Ate Isaan style Thai food (spicy), and did not get sick.
4. Realized I’ve gotten the hang of riding the Sky Train.
Sunday
1. Ran 9k on the streets of Bangkok, non-stop, in exactly one hour as part of an organized race.
2. Helped a friend move, acquired furniture – reuse!
3. Read the Wikipedia article about Geraldine Ferraro.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
4 - Wednesday
1. Ate Thai food for lunch without a bad reaction.
2. Registered for 9km run this Sunday.
3. Located two music shops that sell instruments and accessories in my new city.
4. Ran 7.44 km in 65 minutes, with 125 meters climbed. On February 26, I ran 5.83 km in 65 minutes, with 73 meters climbed.
2. Registered for 9km run this Sunday.
3. Located two music shops that sell instruments and accessories in my new city.
4. Ran 7.44 km in 65 minutes, with 125 meters climbed. On February 26, I ran 5.83 km in 65 minutes, with 73 meters climbed.
The Beginning
It has come to my attention that my myriad of interests do not lend themselves to a single categorization, and that when I go on rambling tangents, the friends and family that follow my adventure blog do not necessarily need to be subjected to them.
Wow, that beginning is as clear as mud.
Here is a little context to the start of this blog. Four and a half months ago I uprooted my American midwestern born and raised self, and moved to South East Asia to teach English. What precipitated that, you ask? Surely that's a story worth telling. And in some ways, it is, but not here or now. Check out http://jenny44indy.blogspot.com/ if you'd like to read about that.
Over the last few months, I've gone through a couple of phases and back again. Call it culture shock, call it the quarter life crisis, call it becoming an adult, call it postponed grief, the list goes on. But the point is this.
Every day, you should do something, at least one thing, you consider important.
That's it. Wherever you fall on the spectrum - planning your life down to the millisecond for the next ten years out, or completely flying by the seat of your pants - have you done one thing today that's important, to you?
I won't take credit for this concept, and it's been formulated in my mind through reading other people's blogs, books, and many sources I probably cannot even recall to credit.
With this blog, I'm going to catalogue what I've done that I feel is important for myself, starting here and now. I don't promise daily posts. I don't promise to meet all my goals, or even set goals. I have mixed feelings on the matter of goal setting vs fly by the seat of your pants; and I utilize a combination of the two.
The concept of a blog is somewhat narcissistic in nature. I am not doing this for anyone else, I am selfish, I am doing it for myself. But, if you stumble upon this and care to follow along, you are welcome to.
The last point I will make: what is important to you does not have to be important to anyone else. It does not have to be grandiose, it does not have to be something you even share with other people. It just has to be something you are satisfied to know that you, personally, have accomplished.
Today, I started keeping track of what matters to ME, on this blog.
Wow, that beginning is as clear as mud.
Here is a little context to the start of this blog. Four and a half months ago I uprooted my American midwestern born and raised self, and moved to South East Asia to teach English. What precipitated that, you ask? Surely that's a story worth telling. And in some ways, it is, but not here or now. Check out http://jenny44indy.blogspot.com/ if you'd like to read about that.
Over the last few months, I've gone through a couple of phases and back again. Call it culture shock, call it the quarter life crisis, call it becoming an adult, call it postponed grief, the list goes on. But the point is this.
Every day, you should do something, at least one thing, you consider important.
That's it. Wherever you fall on the spectrum - planning your life down to the millisecond for the next ten years out, or completely flying by the seat of your pants - have you done one thing today that's important, to you?
I won't take credit for this concept, and it's been formulated in my mind through reading other people's blogs, books, and many sources I probably cannot even recall to credit.
With this blog, I'm going to catalogue what I've done that I feel is important for myself, starting here and now. I don't promise daily posts. I don't promise to meet all my goals, or even set goals. I have mixed feelings on the matter of goal setting vs fly by the seat of your pants; and I utilize a combination of the two.
The concept of a blog is somewhat narcissistic in nature. I am not doing this for anyone else, I am selfish, I am doing it for myself. But, if you stumble upon this and care to follow along, you are welcome to.
The last point I will make: what is important to you does not have to be important to anyone else. It does not have to be grandiose, it does not have to be something you even share with other people. It just has to be something you are satisfied to know that you, personally, have accomplished.
Today, I started keeping track of what matters to ME, on this blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)