You lack Focus

Jenny, this paper lacks focus.
Uh...teacher...do you understand the irony here?
What?
My paper is about ADHD.

Insert obligatory laughter. True story.

But seriously, it's not really a laughing matter when you're all across the board. It's great to have lots of interests. But hone one, damn it!

I've been reading about, and considering, trying to become a more serious blogger instead of just my daily accomplishments and my travel/teaching adventure/whining. So what's my problem?

1) Lack of focus
2) I don't know if I WANT that much attention and scores of people scrutinizing my work. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still working on me.
3) Some of the things I feel most compelled to write about, I'm not sure I should write about. For a lot of reasons, and as such, I feel more compelled to funnel them into fiction. But that's all a farce, I'm stalling.

Now, you, like many other people can say:

1) DO IT NOW! There's no time like the present.
2) You're always working on you, that's part of being a blogger, and life.
3) Maybe, you don't need to do it.

To which I say:

1) You can't do everything NOW. (Lack focus)
2) Yes, you're always working on you, but, that takes precedence to putting yourself out on a limb to possible criticism (no, this isn't a strong argument and shows low self-esteem, I know). If you're at a particularly vulnerable spot, as I am, perhaps it's just fine to stay back and continue licking your wounds for awhile before rushing back into battle, so to speak.
3) Maybe I don't need to do it, that's true. But I need to do something and I'm working on figuring that out.

I'm realizing daily more things I don't want to do, from the ridiculously insane to the simple, oh, duh, that's not for me.

There are several quotes that just stick with me like a bad rash. Well, I'll only include the positives, so perhaps not the best analogy.

In no particular order:

"You need to work yourself out first."
"You're not as angry as you think you are."
"Are you sure you don't just want to be an artist?"

Sometimes, a quote bores into your skull just as hard as that incessant pop song that invades your synapses for weeks and months on end. Except, a properly executed observation sticks for years.

Are you sure you don't just want to be an artist?
As annoyed as I was with this observation at the time, it was only because of the truth of it, and how it was a direct assault on my carefully crafted blinders, self-made delusions and controlling outside influences. It was a chink in my carefully crafted survival bubble, which was bound to burst eventually any way. And burst it did.

I've dragged my feet and made my life far more difficult than necessary maintaining my denial. I still do it. But I've at least admitted to the necessity of chipping down my own mental fallacies. Even when that means another concession to my irrational tendencies while I work them out at my own pace.

I still don't have the confidence I need to broach the issues I truly want to approach. I don't yet have the self-confidence to face up to the critics. I don't know if what I've got to say is ready to add to the dialogue.

But all in all, it's just another brick in the wall. I think I just sank to middle school low with that reference. See? See? There I go, tearing myself down instead of my wall.

Now may be the best time to do something, but, for everything there is a season. And I've got some other things to attend to NOW.